Fearless

Last night I dreamed that I was lying on the edge of a runway and as the planes took off and landed, grazing my nose, I just smiled, fearless. It got me thinking about all the things that I would do if I was fearless. There are many.

These days, with job cuts looming at the university everybody is fearful of being unemployed. I'm one of them, even though I hate my job. I have always hated my job and yet I'm scared of losing it. This weekend I spent three hours trying to figure out why image control events weren't firing correctly and another two hours learning about data binding and value converters. And if none of that makes sense to you then you're a very lucky person. The fact that I was working on a weekend is ridiculous enough, add to it that I am building a software application to streamline someone's business process so they can make more money, and I have realized that it's completely fucking pointless.

I actually like computers. Last week I spent hours helping two friends solve computer issues and every second was enjoyable. What I dislike is sitting in a cubicle seven hours everyday answering to some asshole control freak who thinks his life actually means something because he has 'manager' written on his business card. I hate selling my soul to the corporate master because nothing I do for them means anything in the long run and adds no real value to my life. If I was fearless I would tell them exactly what was on my mind, right before quitting.

Your garbage, their misfortune

Click here to watch the PBS documentary on electronic waste

This video is difficult to watch but I highly recommend sitting through it. I saw it a couple weeks back and I can't stop thinking about it. It's horrible how we in the developed world treat others like they are disposable, only here to cater to our needs. Even worse, it seems that everyone has resigned to the idea that it's somebody else's problem. I am now even more bothered by stories I hear from the people in my life about new computers, cell phones, mp3 players, tv's, etc.... that are being purchased out of sheer want, not necessity.

On a slightly different note, I was driving back from Edmonton last weekend and was appalled by the number of RV's on the road. Seriously people just stay home if you can't live without certain luxuries. How does polluting the environment to get in touch with nature make any sense at all. Complete ignorance and greed.

Sometimes I really don't like being here.

Soaking drunk and wearing pink

Riddle me this. What would possess a confirmed tomboy to run around in a pink cowboy hat? And convince a raging tree hugger and animal lover to participate in a stampede event? And keep a heat seeking East Indian standing outside in the cold and rain for 4 hours after first being pelted by hale? And push a retired party animal to get rip roaring drunk?

Answer: Music

Annually, the gang and I participate in the Stampede Roundup concert at Fort Calgary. It's my favorite (and only) stampede event because the proceeds go towards charity and they never book country music artists. This year's line up was Loverboy, Our Lady Peace and The Steve Miller Band. Nothing compared to Billy Idol and Joan Jett who played last year (that was spectacular!), but still pretty decent and worth the hangover. It was nice getting out because I've been a little antisocial lately and feeling neglectful of my friends. Seems they still love me and we had an amazing time. Rest assured, the cowboy hat's been stored away safely and won't make another appearance until next year.

Embracing my loser side

I played in my very first tennis tournament today. I lost the first game I ever played in a tennis tournament today. The first tennis tournament I ever played in ended for me today.

In an obvious attempt to fix my wounded pride here are my reasons for losing. I was playing in a higher 4.0 level and I have a 3.0 ranking. My opponent has 20 more years of playing experience. My racquet needed restringing. It was too hot. It was too windy. The stars were misaligned. I was not wearing my lucky underwear. Should I continue? I'm reading a book about the mental aspects of the game which says you should learn to embrace and learn from your loss. That's so difficult in a game where you're playing by yourself because every mistake belongs to you. There is nobody else to share the loss with.

Enough pity though because two important things came out of today. My own personal victory was that I didn't defeat myself, I was simply outplayed by a more experienced play. I was worried about being too nervous and making too many unforced errors but I managed to focus on the game and settle my brain. Secondly, competing lit a fire under me and my passion for tennis has reached a higher level. I'm excited about seeing just how far I can go. My dreaded first tournament is finally in the past and I can only advance from here. However, it is still going to be a couple days until my pride heals and I'm not feeling like a complete loser.

(update: Just learned the woman that I lost to ended up placing first overall. Somehow that makes me feel a little less loser-like.)